Agony Uncle Column;
Sent: 01/06/1998
Dear Uncle Businessman,

I`m in agony as I Just shot a nail through my foot with my Black and Decker series 2000 nail gun. What should I Do?

Yours Painfully,
A. Idiot

30/09/1998

Dear Mr Idiot,

This is a very difficult and delicate matter which can only by handled by my own expertise. I suggest quite a radical idea which is extreme .....GO TO CASUALTY.

Yours Geniusly,
Sick Businessman.

Dear Sicko,

I would like to know if you think it is allright to kill someone, you know like in an assissted sucide.

Yours Seriously,
Stan, Aged 8

Dear Mr Aged 8,

I am not touching that with a 100ft pole.

Yours Immaturely,
Uncle Sicko.

Dear Sick Businessman,

I have a APPLES disorder in which I strangly PLUMS shoot out or express the names of BANANAS fruit. It`s quite embarassing ORANGES. I have decided to do something PINEAPPLE about it now as I had an embarssing incident recently, when I went to ask a lady if I could stroke her dog, it came out as "Can I stroke your MELONS ..." Now I`ve come out of mMANGO comma, after that incident can you help me?

Yours STRAWBERRILY,
Mr Meat.

Dear Mr Meat,

Are you ready for this I see nothing wrong with you. You see nothing really matters. Your okay many claim I Have out burst of Queen lyrics now and again, next thing they say I`m a Killer Queen or the Invisble Man. Why can`t they let me go, let me go. I just want to ride my bicycle you know, and contiune my World domination plans. I want it all and I want it now. Anyway I am off to play in the anual Penguin Fighting contest with my best friend Pingu. We are the champions my friend. Anyway another one bites the dust. I am off now bye.

Yours Gaileolilly,
Sick Businessman.

You can contact ... Oh stop it with the Italic writing I`m not Mussolini or the leaning tower of Pisa. Thats better now you can find me at Monica Lewinwky`s house, she wants to play a game called Guess Who?
DON`T STOP ME DON`T STOP ME NOW
Thats why they call me Mr Centigrade.

If you have any problems which need sorting out e-mail the sick Business man at his new e-amil address business_man@usa.net

AND TO RESPOND TO NOVEMBERS SECOND BUSINESSMANS REPORT:
GENERAL E. GOOD - OUR CHEIF CRITIC

From: General E Good, Earth Force Command


My Name is the Sick Businessman and I have decided to become an agony Aunt, to prove I am better, I now offer General E. Good Advice I have already received some queries, but enough about the labour Cabinet, I had to assassinate. Anyway, I'm listening....

Dear General,

Whenever I go sunbathing on the Beach, hundreds of people surround me and throw me into the sea. Why is this, what is wrong with me, why do they stare? I AM A MAN

Yours now but was mine when I wrote it.
Sick Businessman.

Sicko,

Firstly hey are throwing you into the sea because they think you are a beached whale. Secondly about being a man, don't count on it.

Dear General,

Whenever I go people attack me, I have been beaten up dozens of times, stabbed and even shot in the back, why is this?

Yours with hope,
M. Garibaldi

Dear Mr Garibaldi,

I recommend using ointment whenever this occurs, or perhaps get a safer Job like Lion tamer, Bungi Jumper or even an accountant.

The General.

Dear General,

I have an unfortunate tendency to blow things up. I LOVE BOMBS. These causes minor problems for those around me like death and injury. My opinion is the bigger the better, and I dream of nuclear bombs. Help!

Yours Nervously
J.Sheridan

Dear J. sheridan,

You need praise not help; you're welcome in my war room anytime provided you don't happen to be carrying an armed explosive device.

Dearest general,

So you thought you had defeated me, but you were wrong for I, General E. Bad, master of Evil, imitation and small pieces of lettuce, have returned, The circle is complete when I left I was a learner, now I am the master! Yesterday to prove my prowess I stole your door, Quiver in fear. Know also I left pancakes on your Ceiling to fall on you at an inappropriate moments, and replace your cushions with fearsome hunting cushions. And to the sick businessman, I am weirder than you, fall before me (If possible not causing an Earthquake at the same time.) I AM THE MASTER!

General E Good Replies- What the hell was that? My student who turned evil? But I locked him in microwave and threw him off a cliff. This could be bad and I doubt this is the last we will hear of him. The war has just got a lot harder.

E-mail me with any support to generalegood@usa.net BECAUSE WE NEED IT.

---

The Generals Japes

Two men go duck hunting with guns and dogs, they catch nothing. What went wrong said the first one.

Maybe we were not throwing the dogs high enough

Insults: Not enough garlic on the door.

---

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